Writings and thoughts from Brad Deifer

Brad Deifer Evo Recordings Raleigh, NC President/Founder

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sands Stand Time Still Rambling again

Sands Stand Time Still
How does that which made us happy, whole and who we are at one point, morf into a whole new set of things we contrive and accept makes us happy, as it is the proper way to "mature"
I hate that word mature, mature into ehat, unhappiness....
Yeah, yeah I know life changes and our plans change, and we get more "responsibilty" even if we don't really want to get responsible. Simple is easy, and what we get is older, new priorities and habded a bag full of shit. Life can make it impossible to chase dreams, and it can stifle the human sole, fuck not can ..... WILL stifle your sole.
Our dreams get passed on for hope for others, and a stable life, not truly that anyone does it to us, it just happens but why, why do we lose wht we loved and have to replace it. We all know we can love more than one,
Ill tell ya why, time, its a slippery motherfucker and will suck your life away, slow down,try things, live a little the way your instincts tell you, cause motherfucker as you get old, your instincts, heart, and drive move on........so dont chase time, make it chase you, balance, do not forfeit you, that is the way time likes to win, by forfeit.......fuck you wont beat it either way, so control time based on your heart and instinct. Sleep late, stay up late, and fuck and fish and write and drink according toy uor own clock, cause that motherfucker time and his bastard children "money" and status quo, will always win.....it has too so atleast make the sand have to roll and the clock tick. Live by your heart and gut, feelings and passions.
Dont grow up to fast and dont shrink down to slow. All in !!!! And let it roll....
Sand stand time still
All needs to forget about time and your thrills
Dont waste ur time on booze or drugs, I did, qnd look where it got me....the same place your going Dead.......smile baby its the begining of the end everyday, so dont keep anything on delay.....
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Motivations was Iconclast on Sundance

"Hard to imagine seeing things today the way they looked younger. Some of living is exercising your courage when you really got it, and that is in your youth."
Bravery in youth.
"Caution can be something that keeps u alive, and it can also be a disease. Somehow that is why you want to keep testing yourself so you don't lose that kind of connection with things and your own abilities."
"Sometimes I think the difference between a good parent and a bad parent is the luck the kid has. Your a great parent if you encourage your kid to live life and be brave and all of that, your a bad parent if the one time their doin it they go off wrong on their neck and get paralyzed."
I read "Into the Wild" in 19 95 by John Krauker, about Chris Mcandless giving it all away and disappearing into nature, Sean Penn made the movie last year. Saw it than and saw it again tonight amazing, you should DEFINATELY see it if your reading this :)
Im gonna start drinking White Russians as my new cocktail of choice
Adventure, I need an adventure of some sort.
More important thana clear idea of God it's the ground we walk on, and the time we walk on it. Live our life while we're here.
If what your doing is true and authentic you wont care what other folks think.
In some ways this life is just a story, and the only thing I know for sure is the End.
The worst thin in life is to be bored, working 8 hours a day is hell, id rather be dead
- John Krauker
Its not about doing risky things but more about feeling the life you live while you live it -Sean Penn
The key to piece of mmind is authenticity, nature is staunchly authentic.
Its about going where your passion leads and sharing it with the ones you love, not sleepwalking through life.
- John K
U get inspired to inspired to inspiren than you get inspired by someone else
"The life we have is set up and big enough to be a spiritual thing, as long as you dont just sit on your ass. Its good air to breathe."
- Sean Penn

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Friday, July 04, 2008

Zachary and Elijah if I m gone

JULY 3rd, 1 to 4 AM 38 years old and counting........writing and rambling for Z and E

You don’t succeed by giving up, that’s one thing I know

I’m sorry if I acted l a dick, it didn’t mean I didn’t care

I’ve been chasing dreams in magazines the last ten years

It can’t feel all that good to be so angry, I guess I’m learning that too

There’s a movie about all of us and its waiting to begin,

“Forest For The Trees”

It seems everyday, it’s just past us by
With a “Where am I at?” and a shallow good bye
Is the sail full mast, are we just looking back
Sometimes it’s hard to keep what’s important on track.

In the end I see, the corny saying “Forest For The Trees”
The trees cloud vision; you forget to just “see”
Directions, expectations, and “Where Should We Be”
All that coming at you between the trees.

But me, you see, I truly believe
The more trees encountered, the less to be bereaved
Needs, and emotions, life, love and devotion
In the end are what make a unique life’s potion

Looking back between branches, and forward between leaves,
May actually be what makes me believe
I am blessed and amazed, by the woman’s with me
And the boys Z&E on the journey with me

Right beside me in the forest, and running into the same trees
Missing the same Forest, and killing the same fleas

Zachary and Elijah, my wife, Mom and Dad
Friends and family, who cares where’s the path
Maybe that’s the answer, the answer at last
To the corny little saying, and the over analyzed past

So here is where it goes, and it’s shitty at best,
But the trees make dark forests, those we take for granted make the nest
When light breaks the forest, look at the leaves
Thos are the things that make even the trees believe

So one more stanza on this literary debacle
And one more time, to clear, focus and hit the throttle
The leaves are the moments, at times the path takes chances
But the parties you journey with helps avoid the branches

Its been long since I ve seen my lifes forest for trees
At times I truly feel, I should be down on my knees
For these trees, and that forest, I honestly believe
WILL make me miss all the beautiful leaves

As the last few years went by, I felt a slow retreat
It’s not the destination but the journey I seek

Shelly, Zachary, Elijah, Mom, Dad , Missi and all

• This is for me to remind me, to see, don’t miss the good things
• The incredible woman beside me, even with the seemingly unending string of mistakes and bad luck
• The beautiful children that are growing up way to fast, (I can at times realize to not miss it)
• the parents that amazingly have my back, and the love showered on my children by them,

• To ignore frustration, that creates me to miss the moment and make bad choices
• The tempo of life I create, that slows me too a halt,
• my unattainable personal goals, can not be what keeps me seeing all of this

This is for me to,
• Put all of them first
• to stay in the moment, so as to not make it all a past ( I can barely remember my feelings most of the time as I mentally always try to be cool and move on)
• Hoping that one day you can make all the dreams in this cluttered head come true
• Everything I do, bad, good and untrue, are done with no malicious intent
• Too LOVE the ones that show unconditional love to me, and
• To make sure that they understand that everything that is giving, is appreciated
• To make sure I understand that I am blessed with family, and amazing children
• To make clear in my head that I have the greatest woman in the world that stands beside me
• To move forward making better, smarter, more thought out decisions

And just as important as anything said
• To enjoy the ride, you only get to take it once, and I am fortunate enough to see right now that it goes fast, but at least I am still in it, and I have a chance to make it last
• To start know that inside me, is good and its deep,its cool, and confidant, as well as scared and insecure
And its time

• To start another shitty cliché, “It’s not the destination, but the journey that pays!!!!!!!!!

July 3rd 2008 2 AM, first Time I wrote a thing since 2003

Make sure that the boys are taught how to be good to people and make sure they grow into great men, I have very few memories it seems from the past, but the ones I have come from Sports, Music, Friends and Books. Being cool, as I know they will growing up, it is important to make sure that they are always good to EVERYONE, I did stand up and was friends with”uncool” people in my younger years and it is important to treat everyone the same

Don’t chew ever, I need to and can not quite, stay away from stuff, if you are like me you have an addictive personality, so no drugs, gambling or tobacco.............

Think often and always, don’t get trapped by ANYTHING, internal or external, I have been trapped by both, and it is hell. Money and chasing it, is a HUGE Trap in America today, because YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT , but don’t let money dictate what makes you happy, excited, etc. but always take care of what you have to...........because you get outside your means you get stuck, so stay away from credit.....

Have lots of friends, and be able to converse with anyone on any subject in some intelligent level
SPORTS and Music are important
Live strong and confidant, even when your not, this world will give you a ton of shit, but deal with it and grow with it, fix the issue and put it behind you

AND the number one thing to get across to my children, to think about every moment is

“MAKE GOOD DECESIONS”, not based on what is expected but based on what is in your heart, you will both have great hearts, I do, I just waste it sometimes...........

Always tell the truth; always love unconditionally those that love you
Make sure that when something is given, be it help in a situation, or a gift, or just love that the giver knows it was appreciated, I ALWAYS appreciate things, but I do not show it well, as I feel that I am going to eventual be able to make everyone happy, see I know that I would be the greatest RICH guy in the world, as in my head I have always wanted to get to a position to help everyone out, and make their life better, and in fact, I have at times been able to, but I helped the wrong folks,

Learn to find interest in everything, and make sure you......................................

FIND A PASSION IN LIFE, it is what will keep you going getting old (I lost or never had one try passion,

I should have.....ah hell lets make this list of regrets to this point, most of these my personality would not allow me to accomplish, don’t let yours keep you from things
1. practiced harder in sports,
2. or definitely learned how to play the guitar and write songs,
3. write a novel and poetry,
4. gone into coaching or anything with a full head of steam (passion for it helps this)
5. Help create something that was never there before, like art, or a business..........

This is one thing that I always and still strive to do so we will make it capital and bold


Avoid one big mistake I make. Well two

Always finish, and don’t just give in, and wait for another day to make that call or deal with an issue, this is important, face everything head on, I would be in a very different position as I write this if in fact I had taken my own advice.......

How much of a person and personality is genetic, I say NONE......you just need to be aware of the right way to do things and do them that way.....and do not allow or stand for anything else.

I have

• Started a business that made a few people some money and did millions in business with major partners like MTV, Radio Shack, and Dupont from scratch, raised over a million in funds, all to have it fall apart, and completely take me to my lowest level

• Started a Recorded label and released all great records

• Manage bands, and work in music, with my knowledge of it, but again brought be down

• Wrote a lot but never finished,

Do not live and be constrained by what is told to you as normal, or necessary, live by your heart and gut for a while and go after things.........that being said

Unconventional is good way to live when you can, take chances and go for it, because eventually you will feel like me, and feel the pressure the bottom creates as you do this, and internalize and rationalize things it does to the ones you love (i.e. This next one is the one) have to move onto more stable environments as to not hurt the ones you love, but NEVER GIVE UP ON IT, whatever it may be you are chasing............

Explore Religion closely and decide what you believe for yourself..........

Watch movies, read all kinds of books weekly, go through school an finish even if it seems worthless because you don’t want to be behind ANYONE on ANYTHING, another thing I fucked up.....smart is sometimes worthless, if you get chased by life to confirm...

DON’T GET LAZY OR OLD MENTALLY and watch GREAT movies, might make a list later

So here we are

Closing time, last call for booze (just don’t drive, and never start with tobacco and last chance to hear the songs that move you to writing, or toughness, or love, etc..........

When sad listen to great singer songwriters, I am listening to one right now, it may not, in fact probably won’t be anyone in the Best Buy bins or on the radio, listen to and try t get

Uncle Tupelo, Son Volt, Counting Crows, and any singer/songwriter that can make you feel
Rock with bands that have something to say, do not let anyone tell you, especially radio or the marketing machine what is good, what is good is what makes you feel and what you can relate to.....

Hopefully everyone I love knows it, and even though I don’t show it well sometimes, I want to be there for anyone that has been there for me, I am just trying to figure out how to get into that position

One Thing is for sure, I LOVE my Children, and wife........and my life is where it should be, I am just trying to live and learn better, and make it happen

MAKE MIRACULOUS THINGS HAPPEN, because no one else will..........

Moe comes with his three kids to an ice skating rink in upstate NY, his friends are single and confused, but Moe has the whole thing, family and kids at 30, etc in a small town, he is the big brawny nice guy that has the conventional life all together

(Points to Mo on Ice Skating Ring with kids as the narrator stumbles hung over out of an ice fishing cabin)
“Is that Mo?...........
Fucking Mo has got it wired...........
He’s like a retarded person that doesn’t know it.........
He doesn’t desire new experiences, new woman, nothing.....
Look at him
He’s like the mental patient that doesn’t know he’s mental.....................
SO HE’S PERFECTLY CONTENT...................

I gotta go take a piss...............”

Great Movie – Beautiful Girls (1995)

Song lyric, Stephen Kellogg’s “4th of July”

Got in a van and headed up to Boston
Thought about my friends and how easily I lost ‘em
I’d do it all again, I’d leave everyone exhausted
Some folks get a break, me I never got one
I thought of you, at night when I’ddrink too much
If you thought about me to, hell you never tried to get in touch
Went back to school and I ran into some guys I knew,
we started up this band but we never seemed to get it through.
We got some gigs, eventually we lost them to
Did You Ever Think That If Your Not Happy its Because of You

This , this is my life
on the 4th of July,
It isn’t much
but at least its mine.......

I got a job, selling ads for magazines
At night when I would play I would think about her constantly
Everything I loved somehow got away from me
Suicide......... I talked about it openly
I finally quit, or maybe I got fired I don’t know
Doesn’t matter as long as it happened though
Added up the fears and the doubts I’ve been liven with
Songs and love and girls and school and all that shit

This , this is my life
on the 4th of July,
It isn’t much
but at least its mine.......

I lost a girl some time, and a couple friends
Small talking parties, I never could stomach them
I m old enough not to say I remember when but
I don’t have the time for your nostalgia or your criticisms
You live and learn,
Well I’ve learned to let go of
Parents and bosses and people that don’t want you to grow
I Think that anything you want to, you can do
And no ones gonna tell me just who the hell I should sing to

This , this is my life
on the 4th of July,
It isn’t much
but at least its mine.......

Oh Yeah, no old presidents, no politics of religion, hate or based in money and lobbyists, speration of church and state, and vote on issues that matter, not decesive moral issues, like abortion, etc.

Save the Planet everyday, because by the time this is read by my sons , we may not have one.
Don’t let the government ( if we still have one by the time this gets read) with the planet, and lets gays marry, who does it bother, its their right. Don’t invade countries, and DON’T let our presidents LIE.
Not that you can make a difference, but that thought is why the country is hwere it is at on gasoline ($4 a gallon), still at war, and the planet is almost dead, but we politic around abortion, religion, gay marriage rights, etc...............Education is dying, along with the middle class in the US.......on that note..TRAVEL , I did some and plan to do more with your mom, check back for later rants to see if that happens,,,

I hope to make somethings happen in music soon, or take a corporate job to make life on your mom and you kids better.......let’s see what happens shall we........

Google L

• Brad Deifer
• Evolution Technologies Inc
• Evo-Recordings, along with Revery, Karate High School, Patty Hurst Shifter, Madside, see if you can find any of those
• Managing a band called The T’s

Read Douglas Coupland, he hits it in the head for me.............

All so make sure you look into “Into the Wild”, book and movie

The world is too fast now in 2008, I think it has to go backwards, I really do

Yearning for strangely enough, Whitehall, home.....and those old friends, going in a few weeks,

Thanks for reading

Brad Deifer
Ramblings for Zachary Dylan and Elijah Cole
Ending July 4th, 2008 @ 330 AM

Thursday, October 25, 2007


I lost everything I own by following my belief in the bands I initially put out and ran into the groud with, I have officially followed my belief in music and the bands I really love and know are good to the bottom, now I have to find a way to get through it. They say perseverance pays off, but it sure does not seem like it does in this industry ( unless you have deep, deep pockets) and treat it like a business selling any commodity.

Thanks forever to

Karate High School
Revery ( Too bad this went away, they had a ton to give to commercial rock)
Patty Hurst Shifter ( I still beleive this band is the best band out there and could have been)
Long Since Forgotten (These guys will be fine)

I missed one that I really regret as well, and they are a great band called Trashlight Vision.....

I got them all out there, on a national stage via distribution, but I made a few bad decesions that I regret and now I can not seem to find a way to make this work and take carte of my family, I already lost my house and car to it, and now I have to move on.......................

There has beena "pile on" effect happeneing in my life, things really, really went down hill lately.......

Been thinking about life, and how it takes journeys, my new son Elijah and Zachary, the really unyielding pressure of raising two boys to not BE LIKE ME, but to be what you think is right. I missed many turns and oppurtunities, but I want to make sure they don't I will find a way tomake sure that their value system is what I really believe can make a fullfilling life, and not the one like mine that gets all knotted and tripping up and down over itself with self destructive behavior, and the sheer fact that I basically let life guide me as opposed to guiding where I want to be.

I want them to be curious, inquisitive, athletic, and good people, understand things around them for what they are, as this country dumbs down, I want to make sure they understand the need to read and investigate, question and love. The one thing I never did, was find a passion at a young age, and follow it, not just live for the needs in your youth. I will make sure they understand more than I did, and decide better, I have such doubts about this world, and the process of which its people are going, and I am not completely convinved this world will be here when their kids have kids.

I have lately been really into simply things, looking at a great western, it hit me that things where much more exact and real in the early days of our country and things that mattered where important, WHAT DID WE DO TO THIS WORLD......

More on that later.......it is, as of late, really disturbing me. Where we have gone with technology, greed, and the chase of money and status, also what we look up to, and aspire to be, the raw essence of man is and has for a long time been taken away, and it is now way, way to noisy and fast to ever return, I do beleive there is a major change that will have to come, as you can not get faster, stronger as the people get lazy , fat and dumb. Explosions are definately coming on a socioiological basis, I never thought I would envy a simplier time, with better, clearer and exacting lines, but I do.....

My next post will be for my two sons , as I want to outline exactly what I think needs to be introduced to them, based on what I see now looking back, and what I wish I could pass on to them. I have a three year old that already likes the concept that Into The Wild introduced, whish is not so much as being dumb and losing your life leaving society, but the risk and personal strength it takes TO ACT on what you see as a direction that is not positive. That is what I take out of things like that, and from folks stronger than I and with more balls, to act on their beleifs. (Granted responsibilities change actions, and I have gone way to far into life to ever believe that there is not greatness and good somewhere out there, but it now has to be found by my chidren)

The last few weeks

I have been thinking about life and the progression, and what I find so said, is the point I am at, the point where

You leave behind the pursuit and quest for greatness in life and reside, by choice or circumstnace, to a life that has to focus on survival.

A Movie that is must see, the great depiction of one of the most interesting stories of my last 20 years of life, that of Chris McLandess and the book" Into the WIld", God bless Seam Penn as the portrail is beautiful and thought provoking as the first time I read John Krakauer's book.

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Celebration of the Faceless Masses

Had not been on here in quite sometime, I do want to get up the book Facelss Masses, all the old bad poems I had writtern over a 10 year period and had them put to pictures, the writings are below, but it is the unedtied version of all with no pictures.......but atleast it is here if anyone wants to read some ramblings......Hopefully new ones will be coming, I had been so far away from doing anything lately, just trying to keep my head above water, but I look forward to being able to work on some of my own things again.

A Celebration of the FACELESS MASSES by Brad Deifer
Category: Writing and Poetry
A Celebration of the Faceless Masses

by Brad Deifer
Current mood: crazy
of the faceless masses

Brad Deifer

Through fogged up glasses I stare.
I cannot see the road any longer....
I swerve!
Will I ever make it home?

Circle of Friends

Do you know that things are not well?
Mysterious kings with Armani suits
lie in wake! (to seize our fertile fruit) and

Electronically squared and perfectly hypnotizing colors
over-rule the genuine but sleeping parents.
The lack of motivation makes the eerie silence seem real!
(maybe it is)

Beautifully-colored landscaped designs that
have been devastated by the hellacious man-made oil crimes
bring us all together, I hope if not cope.
These corporate pawns create gypsy kings losing slowly and meticulously as
their children move to the darker side of Zen!

Their heir apparent walls of morality that
can dame the blood-red sea, have been slowly worn away
leaving only the rush of strange norms and wild thoughts no proper sprout can easily resolve.
the answers are and never will again be clear for them. (What are shame, where they for me?)

The warring factions in the Corporate masks
will never sway to accommodate the masses.
They will not and can not stop the
relentless attack. (Why should they if we let them persist?)

Can we not approach this world with hope?
A hope of a new sanctity, a fair and just one?
One that lets good people be good and bad ones be bad.
One that lets the sane and smart be healthy, not tragically unable to answer questions
they should not think about.
The crazy, unassuming, uninviting and unforgiving screams of societal decay
shown every night by the newsreels and radios of the world
open the door for me, a decent man, to question?

No more sleeping with strangers
(or an acquantinance for that matter)
You could die,
Is that fair,
experience is a killer What a shame.

All these rules for the perfect existence but
nobodys listening to the moral advice.
60 million by 2015
60 million!
Believe that they all are wrong if you like.
Timebomb ticking of
bombastic bad-asses, on the so-called path to salvation
We will never know what hit us.

The savior is in the bible, he has the answers.
How does he save us when we run out of luck.
Who is this Jesus you speak of.
A gentle god, a caring god, a god that created murder and disease.
Believe in him he will save you!
(I hope, he saves us all)
but find him through him,
save your brainwashed philosophies on the brainwashed.
We are smarter, we reason, let us reason.
We all have some love, is that enough?

You see, the devil-like hand on the destruction of technology,
beckon the call to the apocalypse.
Nothing is ever taboo to the foreign Satan or the all seeing madmen.
One and done, and instant death,
or the mutilation and torture we all probably deserve!
Creating a masquerade ball for all to attend.
There is always a violent and disgusting smell from death.
When the devil decides to win I gueess we all go willing
What else can we do?

Socio-psycho-schizo hallucinating shadows
boundlessly feeding their thirst for blood or
some sick need to fuck the dead!
Prowling aimlessly,
undetected, unihibited,
searching for the next family to distress.
the next cycle to destroy,
the next promise to break.
reigning over our peace of mind like Lucifer over his fire.
Creating fear
Fear, fear !!!!!

Silver, Shiny blue faced degenerates,
most accepting societys default job
are in place to battle the fear.
Combat our lack of control.
Using their vigilante, joy ride to justify
pain and anguish and difference in us.
Forcing the communities hand and
the reporters camera.
Watch yourself blue man the camera is always rolling.
You will be graded on this.

Commercially staged sell-outs of astronomical debates.
Overwhelming media support to
entice the celebrity queer out of the closet.
More trash barrel journalism for us.
A bigger car, a younger wife and more money
for you.

A long and wide fault through our society
No bridge over the river Color
while our parents teach through action and word.
the wrong message, the wrong appeal.
We are all anti-Christs at some point.
Some more than others
Make it all real,
Heaven is waiting somewhere on the other side of the tracks!

So youre scared?
thinking that maybe you aint that young anymore.
No savior will rise from these streets.
I am no hero, cant be.
The answers are not in these words.
Feel if you need and run to your heaven,
take my hand and follow my lead.
Where, I do not know, when I can not tell.
We can make it if we run
Sit tight and hold on.
This could seriously get fun!

In our eerie midnight pale faces always lurk,
looking for a fix, that can help.
Lead them to our answers, If we had an answer!
Snow filled nights took over for the leaders.
Aided by wicked step-up drugs
that creates a Mr. Hyde.

In the beautiful, sex-filled sixties, they roared.
Decadence was great
Groovy man, ya dig
Social change, the tide was spun,
but they used up all the fun.
Who spun it a full axis round,
Now that time is forever done.. (Too evolved and distorted to ever return!)
Social change was the excuse for fun.
Why they needed one I do not know,
but we sure do.
The ancient structure has repressed us.
It has given us ideas that are not suitable.
Are you ready to grow young again?

Is this the time of despair?
Can the past make you happy,
in a society that has not made an effort to cultivate.
To save the fertile fruit.

I personally will not set the table for
the outside insanity.
My mind remains at Defcon III,
armed and ready!
A bullet proof car on the banks of the alliance skeptical.
My high beams are on,
its getting dark.
(It will only get darker)

A long and wide fault through our society
No bridge over the river Color
while our parents teach through action and word.
the wrong message, the wrong appeal.
We are all anti-Christs at some point.
Some more than others
Make it all real,
Heaven is waiting somewhere on the other side of the tracks!

So youre scared?
thinking that maybe you aint that young anymore.
No savior will rise from these streets.
I am no hero, cant be.
The answers are not in these words.
Feel if you need and run to your heaven,
take my hand and follow my lead.
Where, I do not know, when I can not tell.
We can make it if we run
Sit tight and hold on.
This could seriously get fun!

In our eerie midnight pale faces always lurk,
looking for a fix, that can help.
Lead them to our answers, If we had an answer!
Snow filled nights took over for the leaders.
Aided by wicked step-up drugs
that creates a Mr. Hyde.

In the beautiful, sex-filled sixties, they roared.
Decadence was great
Groovy man, ya dig
Social change, the tide was spun,
but they used up all the fun.
Who spun it a full axis round,
Now that time is forever done.. (Too evolved and distorted to ever return!)
Social change was the excuse for fun.
Why they needed one I do not know,
but we sure do.
The ancient structure has repressed us.
It has given us ideas that are not suitable.
Are you ready to grow young again?

Is this the time of despair?
Can the past make you happy,
in a society that has not made an effort to cultivate.
To save the fertile fruit.

I personally will not set the table for
the outside insanity.
My mind remains at Defcon III,
armed and ready!
A bullet proof car on the banks of the alliance skeptical.
My high beams are on,
its getting dark.
(It will only get darker)


like a punctured balloon
I have no future flights

I just lay here
no goals
or flights
or affairs through the night

just lay here
to waste away
or pollute the earth

my potential to soar
was decimated
by the brutal birds

and I hit the ground hard constant and always
airless lifeless alone with my thoughts, regrets, admissions of guilt and distress

punctured and forgotten
rippled and rattled

with no air
unable to soar freely
due to my own thoughts, indecision, vices

beat down by
my constant boredom
my constant attempt to go higher without the motivation to press on
no fortitude
to learn from
past flights

gathering holes
from my thrill

and losing my air

Wind Blows South

There is something sweetly majestic
I am sure Ive seen it before this, but where?
in Ocean City,
St. Croix,
maybe in the dull state of New Jersey.
but here it is much different, it calls me, I hear its voice Its sweet, sweet voice.

It is an amazingly peaceful feeling...
the feeling of youth gallops into impending adulthood.
Its the archaic ice machine, the restaurant which no longer exists.
Its the putting green with no grass, Its Charles...steady and everlasting in his humble duties.
It is home in some strangley sinister way, I do belong here!
Its walls and rooms hold my youthonce a year, every year!

It is only where the wind blows south, where the families, year in and year out meet by the pool.
It is where they discuss short-lived moments to short time friends It is where they bonded, It is where I bonded!
It is where they pretend to be having fun, drinking frozen enlightenment while their kids are off smoking sticks and
sneaking beersrunning towards misguided futures.

The Ocean sounds are nowhere hereThey are everything They encompass the passion, They create the place
Isnt it funny how we search for tranquility all our livelong days
Isnt is funny how it really only exists in our minds with a little help from displacement I think it is...

And there they are... The kids of the impending disaster
Waiting on the white chairs in the black night with only discovery as their light in the charcoal air.
Losing whatever it is they had in their youth fizzling into an eclectic sea of crazy thoughts and interesting
discoveries Learning in a week on astroturf porches and secretive explorations
They have been here...I can feel the movement, the sound of the ocean drowning out all of their wants,
I see them sneaking cold Strohs beer from the fridge and learning to love a little associating good with situation
and loving the murmur of the crashing seathe mysterious sea the secretive sea.

At this older age, I dont forget
It is the time of the seagull and the running of the bulls.
It has made men and lost mens virginity. It is not to be forgotten!
It all comes back like the jellyfish at High TideI am illuminated by itcan I go back. Dont wanna go back.
I remember, not how it happened, but how I perceived it happened Youthful fondness of an ageless place!
I return seeking nothing, I find my past, my future, my soul we all need a little soul!

The sound here is like many, but to me it is not. It is special and it is a reminder of things gone by... I love to
Palm trees and burning torches...not a great place but an important one
Not great times, but important ones.
Cant believe they are gone,
where am I now, where will I be... the time runs short for the immortal thinker
This old place tells truths, wish I would listen.
Only where the wind blows south!


Slowly we reveal ourselves
piece by piece
it all comes out, somehow!

We can no longer hide it all.
It is there, it is us
Painted and cured to resemble something we need to be.

Hidden faces behind a mask of deceit and contradiction
falsifying the documents
and awaiting the judges return.

Slowly healing
fading into the moonlight
with our soul bare from the pain

Left empty and alone inside,
wondering where the thought was lost,
and finding daily that all is not so lost
just hidden!

Truth in the lies
and hope in despair!
We will all make it somehow!

A Better View

There will be a vindication for all our ideas
thoughts destroyed will again be vital.
There will be happiness own deceit
and poets may one day be important.
There will be relief from the anger,
and the rhetoric, so beneath us.
You will have escape from the sleep walking nightmares
the pain will recede, Ill bask in your glory.
There will be days we wont want to end
exciting and new, changing minute by minute.

Images renew to clear this head
never really seen my regret
believe it, its there
have hope, we have a prayer.

There will be averted impending disaster.
Together well see how far we can fall.
There will be passion leading to truth,
our actions will always speak for our words
There will be big change, subtle at first view
nothing will stand between me and you
There will be times of better judgement
and hope filled sun sets of extraordinary beauty
We will find solace in our strange similarities
and differences suddenly will become skewed.
I have hope in the possibility that
we will sometime improve our view!

Images renew to clear this head
never really seen my regret
believe it, its there
have hope, we have a prayer.

Is This All?

The human zombie, with a carton of milk in one hand,
a pack of Marlboro Lights in the other,
leaves his dreams far behind him.
The sands of time have taken his spirit.
Filing the tank,
late at night,
with a zeal saved only for this trip,
under the glow of Crown sign.
A brief escape of the clutter that can become a life.
An extremely willing participant in this charade.
The chains latching tighter and tighter
to the parking meters and power lunches,
rules and rationale that put him in a race he has no will to run.

They all run in and out of the convenience store,
late at night,
one by one,
looking older than they should,
living quieter than they need,
looking forward to the simple things.
The Marlboro Light and a cold beer,
the arguments that make them feel alive,
reminiscing of the insatiable cravings,
long been pushed down and
subtly weltered under
the pressure of normalcy and morality
Hanging on to all the acceptable vices he can find.
Prolonging their inevitable return to the chase.

The zombies have always been there,
at the stores
with the Open Late signs glistening and alluring.
Running their errands gladly,
one true peaceful moment away from the caged paradigms of their lives.

Happy and alone,
marching aimlessly through the door
to pick up the necessities and some peace of mind.
And bread, beer and candy for the kids.

Is this all, is this it?

Filling the tank and paying with a check card.
Checking their e-mail, and secretly looking at porn on the Internet until
The alarm rings and they return to their lives.

Spend most of your waking hours asleep.
Giving up yourself to support yourself,
while time rapidly shifts against you.

You try and try to get where you think you should be.
Sacrificing now for an oasis in the future.
Using yourself as a resource to invest in a possible tomorrow,
there are no guarantees.

It keeps moving on you.
Sliding through you by the rise and fall of the moon,
sleeping away another cherished thought.
Worn out by the process that starts tomorrow again.

The walls build around as
responsibility yields the possibility of wasted time.
You are unable to remove the shackles,
the cage that becomes all our lives

I, for one, do not want to try and try
yet seemingly always get denied
of what we all should hold ownership over

I as Me

I want to drink and drive cause I can.
I need to feel the love of the people I respect.
I deserve the fruits of my labor they are mine.
I own where I stand and sometimes fall where I stand.
I wanna move on
I need to find myself so fuck-off to
social struggles and societal pressures.
I have the power of my thoughts
I have the struggle of my concious.
I love feeling false, we all need to leave once in a while.
I love the blessing society is always second-guessing.
I live vicariously through my daydreams It is better than not living at all.
I need attention, loathe the satisfaction and enjoy the depression.
I crave fame, and love the inane
are all these artists just remaining the same!
Are they better than me?
Are they?
I like to drink but hate the hangover
I love to write my feelings but hate when people read them.
I hate for others to see the confusion inside of me.
I hate to listen and love to learn.
I cannot obey we all need guidance!
I know I have some problems I love to hide them.
I need acceptance and hate attention
Id fight for the cause but I can not get concerned.
I know I am caught between two worlds we should all be so lucky!
I am confused I am happy.
I am happily confused.
I want my motion picture life.
I know I am babbling It feels so good.
I need to lose this pressure
This is not easily understood.
I think I am too old to be questioning.
At least that is what they tell me.
I need to be fulfilling fulfilling what?
I love indecision I have never made a right one.
I want money but I am far from materialistic.
I am able to die I think I should live.
Do you?

We wait under a tainted cloud.
We look for the answer to the riddles
and we exist in a corner we can not leave.
We do not want to leave.
A lasting glance or a touch of a hand
can carry on through days and days of quite storms.

Our day may come,
but it may also be now.
Short timing life and
burning them at both ends.
Rationalizing something far beyond our reach,
existing in moments
hoping it will not be the last one.
It cant be!

At the coffee table

Not sure when my interest wavered
not real clear on why it did so??

Mainly, I believe, it is all

the trivial chatter that is absorbing the world
occupying brain cells
leaving mush in its path

When did the need to speak loudly
become a life sustaining necessity

Why talk
just for the sake of talking
small talk

They sit there
these women of some stature in
their respective communities
influential in some circle
which ones are irrelevant

these women of the south
transplanted from somewhere
heading here for something
Why talk

But they do

talk, and talk, and talk
hours pass and they continue

Each just sitting
to tell
their story

they dont listen to each other
just wait
and then

their turn to chatter
the rest
to ignore
No listening goes on here
just preparation
mental rehearsal


its their turn
to relieve their brains
of their thoughtless
thoughts & lives

Where should we eat today anyway

the clock presses on

Still Standing

While incessant waves crash,
the Rock stands firm.
A whipping post.
Beaten and battered, I am drowning

Chiseled slowly away
by time and circumstance
Mangled and muddy, worn and torn,
The rock stands firm.

Still loosing pieces slowly,
no stopping it, no controlling it
attacked from all angles and at all times
The rock will stand firm.

This rock, like that rock, stands firm,
even through self-inflicted wounds,
hidden scars and decadent bars,
through torment and dread, I am drowning
The questions, endless mistakes, and heated debates
and resolved and regretted, but relentless!

Still the rock stands firm.


Self congrats as the seemingly great
applaud their seeming greatness
a mess on the landing as the fools roll in
living from the pin pricks
until the next go round
applauded as they go
wearing talentless egos
like a red bandana in the hood
looking for the fame
striving for their share of greatness
loosing their souls slowly
selling out to the illusion art

Talentless fagots in a susceptable world
lost is the thought the genuine feel of life
as their quest for our pearls
hiding like a snake
amongst the rubble of the California quake
the truly exceptional
never see our open minds

The suit and tie poets educating on falseness
hide the reality portrait that is
hidden in the bars and the crack houses of our life
looking for nothing but a few squares and a bit
and a little assurance they really exist
the true life stars
the equators of the world
wallowing in our cesspools
such hope in the pitiless
as the foolish fool themselves
and jumble up the great message

Where is Hank today?
A glimmer of hope for hapless art!
Humanity is a sick motherfucker!
See ya at the ceremony

North Carolina

The Hill

On the top of the hill
Coit Tower surreal
Looking down on all the celestial movements around me
scurrying hurrying lost ashamed.
Searching for their chosen mythical gods to hide their every human desire
holy and natural desires
real desiresuseful desiresfrom a spiteful godsituational god
as they run from the smell of the pungent, dark, corrupt intellect!

Their reflections,
careening off the great bay with the sun glistening,
visible to themselves hungover exhausted
are served by reminders of the futility they seek.

All searching for the same answer,
a reason to live excessively in their chosen vices
yet scoffing at those who really do!
Look at him, he is going nowhere
Maybe just nowhere they want to go!

Their there, all of them I can see them from this vantage point

evoking fictional, standardized reasons to supress and regress,
hiding behind the morally correct and the societal standards of others,
and lingering in the shadows of the large obtrusive hill.

The Tower can see it all, rising above the shadows to expose truths...
Surrounding like ants to food, embracing it with exotic light.
I guess they where right, the search can never end
What a shame
the eternal question
the answerless riddle.
The question and the answer are congruent.
They lie in the endless pursuit of the questions answer!
The solace is in the searching
So resolve in the moment.

They are there though seeking acceptance in the justification that they are right and
I am wrong!

While they steadily waste
Valuable and fleeting seconds
That burn like a star ablaze
Quickly and anonymous
After the initial recognition!

Hiding behind a translucent cloud of morality.

I am a good person I know this.
Are you?

All this I see heavy headed sleepy and hungover in the afternoon on the hill with the tower

Just you and I with our thoughts!
San Francisco 1996

Golden Tears

The last day we saw him whole-hearted,
he cried!

I knew eventually that languid sky would bring,
the golden tears.

It had to, it always will but this is the last time we saw him whole-hearted,
he cried.

He lost what it is he had searched for, a beautiful golden crown,
he had to cry.

Not many expected him to, even though he knew what he knew,
he still cried.

It poured from him, like no other, emotions in liquid mask,
why did he cry.

Stronger than me, a cross to burn you see, a heart-felt plea,
why did she die?

Now he knows it is ok to fly, even in the face of a watering eye.
his love for her will always survive!

Lady Elysian

Lady Elysian is sitting in my room.
She always takes care of the youngster.
She has a heart of steel
a soul of the great queens!

Lady Elysian is cooking me beans & franks.
She gets me safely on my way,
she will get me safely home.
She always gives more than she takes!

Lady Elysian is cooking me treats.
Lucious little whoopee pies,
how I loved those treats.
She always helping more than shes helped!

Lady Elysian is seeing the growth.
Watching her little boy progress,
moving out of her protecting love.
She always loves unconditionally!

Lady Elysian sees a bird take flight.
Onto the adult world,
bigger fish to fry.
She is always there if needed!

Lady Elysian watches me leave my skin.
Accidentally ignored for a short time,
never told of the appreciation.
She never expects congratulations!

Lady Elysian is seen as a saint,
by the boy she helped to raise.
A flower in the mess he created!
She never hears from me anymore!

Lady Elysian is not well
but always there with love.
Losing many functions now but
She still is giving more than she receives!

Lady Elysian is loved so much,
but never really told.
Maybe Ill express one day,
what I hoped she will always know!

Soul Mate

for Shelly

Our precious love has endured,
The test of time. It has matured.
Your beautiful smile. My universe whole.
A fate drawn, climactic, union of souls!

Different ways, paths and beliefs!
In spite of the difference, the middle we meet.
Admiration you deserve for your persistent ways,
headstrong, you helped lead me through lifes maze!

Soul Mate, please always shoot straight.
Our differences make us a unique Twist of Fate.
Celestial life when you are involved.
The simplest things seem to revolve
around your beautiful sun bright existence.
In this crazy life, my love for you a consistent

Fights and feuds and disagreements,
are all just a product of human existence!
Undeniable fact that we have endured,
enables my soul to be complete and secure!
Crazy and elegant, rebellious and clever,
with you I stand; Together and Forever!

We still have yet to find the answers
After the great wall fell and the celeb bought him some freedom.
T.V. screens tell us all there is to never know and
phone line willingly carry mental crime
Uranus has been seen and Mars has been touched,
the Titanic had been found and
Hollywood showed it is the eternal clown!
Techno succeed to run the lives(not sure what this is supposed to be)
and love has still not won!
Even wonder what makes it all up
the unjust and prosper handed out among!

We still have yet to find the answers
Youd think there has to be one
We still have no damn answers
All these years under the sun.

Celebrities expose aids to the public
as advertising has taken the mind!
Ads read Father needed for superstar
and all the good crime is doing long, long time.
Letters to the editor go unread..
but life our way has always been pre-feed
Years and millenniums are overrated
especially when you lose your mind in the correlation.

Jordan owns pop culture
and militias still scare the congress.
Men and women are inheritantly (spelling??) different
still they try to subscribe to legal limits!
Sentimental bullshit is still looked down on
we have taken the feeling out of civilization!
Thoughts escape in fluttered moments
while drugs are in extreme demand!
Kids still hate their parents
and virgins always fall!
Alcohol still helps ease the mind
yet there is no justice in our halls!

We still have yet to find the answers
Youd think there has to be one
We still have no damn answers
All these years under the sun.

Mixed colors still dont relate
although they can imitate their chosen fates
Mob still might own the underground
drug lords own the streets!
Wind still sweeps the sandy beach
consistent as ever with no thought of the impeach

We still dont have the answers
after the common strains show through
We still have no clue
upon further review!

Happily Depressed

lest I feel the tattered world upon me
coming around from all angels,
evil and lurking, ready to attack,
pressing my soul through smaller and smaller holes

and lest I am insidiously being degenerated by
the constant fear of humility and anger.
Situations falling from the sky,
killing me with Einsteins law of gravity.
Pounding me down further and further.

And lest I am hearing the irrevocable cries
the screams of fatigue and distress,
the burdens of a thousand lost souls,
the nagging plea for help and acceptance.
The dangerous screams of many before,
The danger of the most unpure!

And lest I feel the heavy burden
the one I can not pin point,
the one I can not comprehend,
a soul coughing up phlegm,
a congested soul!

And lest I am emancipated to the clandestine realm
of beautiful thoughts and perfect dreams,
I remain disenchanted and restless.
I remain caught in my own thoughts,
a prisoner of my own conscious.

If not these things around me I am troubled
I am not at ease with serenity,
I have no need for prosperity.
I can not come to terms with my identity
I am lost!

Was it you who threw the bricks that built these walls around me?
Was it you who designed this cast iron hut I am destine to live in?
Was it you who made me happily depressed?

~Brad Deifer ~

Sinking Ship

Bow brakes,
stern inflates.
Hole in the side,
Water arise!
Water arise!
Weight too much,
the mast I clutch!
Never give in, Hell,
go down with your sin
To the dank (dank or dark??) abyss,
bottomless pit of
unbridled, certain death!
Black Crow flies
as the aqua blue cries
Down with your pride
the day you die!


~Brad Deifer ~

Peace of mind comes in and out of time
Appearing through my eyes
random and usually in disguise

Feel its all OK
for a fleeting moment in the sand
or driving at dusk temporarily a happy man

Up and down through my mind
Here and gone... just happy to find
that one sane moment it is all so clear
See the bright red sun... beautiful music in my ear

But its gone now
escaped me again somehow
behind the wheel of the car
I no longer can see so far
where does it go
why must it be such a free flow
how does it leave
when can I believe
that everything has a place
The proper time... my own little space

No peace of mind
in the mirror I have become so blind
fogged in haze
in my temporary mental decay
but we see on through
let the course resume
our path taken
a star on the horizon
but junkies in all the corners
I no longer need a funeral of mourners

So we trudge on through
leaving everything tainted blue
with the sadness of the impossible
the world on our shoulders a task much too colossal

See you tomorrow when we resume the game
enjoy the time that we wallow in the pain
at the bar in basement leaving it all behind
for our negated time that we continue the relentless climb.

A Vision of April 18th, 1997

Ill see you at the chapel, my darling,
Ill be waiting there for you?

Come wearing your virgin white gown.
Bring your elegance and pageantry,
and your beautiful effervescent soul.
We will join tomorrow,
a union of destined, conscious souls.
Loving hearts and opened minds.
Ill give you my energy and in return accept yours.
We will guide our ship through our hurricanes and swells,
till we reach the tranquil shores.
We will build a little garden, a house of exquisite taste
and our continued love will enable us to roam freely.
Happy and secure in our oneness.

So, Ill see you at the chapel, my darling
Ill be ready to take you home!

(written on April 16th, 1996)

~Brad Deifer ~


I sit on the brink of a major thought solution

I drink too much
but hell everyone has their weakness...
I sit in the cold dark room...
wondering why I am different
than the rest

I enjoy dilemma...
I love controversy
I need people...
I love my booze

but I think think like no other man
My mind can not be duplicated

I take another hit
the liquor burns my turbulent stomach

but I continue to pour it into myself

wrecking my health on a daily basis...

I am good at that

I think I need to leave this dark room
and resume my life

I waste it in my thoughts

Do you

chasing the answers to the unborn questions

do you really want to know

I open the door and light comes in

time to work
another beautiful day in the city of the Peach!

The Sailor at the Bar

An old sailor at the bar,
He sits there every afternoon, drinking!
Sipping his whiskey and reminiscing.
Its been bad since the water turned black!
Bartender feels for him, his loss of faith, the ocean he loved.
He asks the old sailor man, What do you want to do with your life?
What are your dreams and aspirations?
The old sailor, looking sternly at the tender and downing his most recent recourse, speaks:
(in low, downtrodden and defeated tone)
I have no aspirations or dreams anymore!
I aspire to be nothing
Aspirations are the breeding ground of despair & disappointment in my life!
I now choose to exist with no pretense or expectation. He continues.
(pointing to the shot glass for another drink)
this way, my friend. I will minimize the inevitable let down!
(bartender fills his shot glass again)
Fair enough the bartender answers, and continues about his business!

Story as heard by

~Brad Deifer ~

State of Nation 1996

Asleep we decipher the new America creed!
It is shallow and pail in comparison to the gigantic endeavors
Of our forefathers and theirs.

It does not stack up to the old adages.

But it is new!!
It is living and developing creed
Rooted in restlessness, ranting spirit of the modern societal mold.
It is living, it is breathing, it is tugging and pulling in plastic directions on the collective psyche of the modern mind.

It will destroy, and it will create!

All of our rights have changed as we lie in our soft, clean sheets provided by the egomaniacal givers!
Innocently accepting and resting.

Safety is not our prosperity!
Dedication is no longer the holy sanctum!

We no longer need to transmit emotion, we will now survive on chaos, thrive on frantic pursuits!
It is all we can do, all that is left for a cold generation of mushrooms

Brash and heartless, growing in the shade through the feces and slave labor!

It is our right to exist, it is our right to choose!
We need to come in to survive, detect the unjust perpetrated on the circle,
the golden wine bottle,
the safety,
the peace of mind!

Was it you who ran the steps of the Capital and sodomized my America
Left it reeling and ashamed in discomfort and confusing.

Too quickly it was penetrated and inundated, Virginity lost... never to be regained...
Raped at the hand of a friend, crying at the expense of the old creeds
Suffering the final embarrassing push... Blood has been drawn!

I am watching the infection spread, slowly killing my favorite lady.
They fucked her right next to worn out clown suit worn by men of the power

the inner sector...
the untouchable ones,

perched high amongst their friends and string dancing through another decade.

You took a piece of me with you in the glare of the crescent moon,
during power driven orgy rape you called control!

Left her tattered and torn with her panties down around her legs, blood running from the rear to the feet,
Beautiful feet legs spread wide open for the next penetration!

In Line at the restaurant

without being new
youre old

without experimenting
youre recycled

without being creative
youre stagnate

without being adventurous
youre boring

without having balls
youll always be status quo

without being worldly
youre stuck

without being antsy
youre satisfied

if you are satisfied
you settled

if you settled
youre unfulfilled

if youre unfulfilled
you wasted life potential

that aint coming back

you see

4 P.M. Whitehall auditorium, bring cash please

Effortless I float above the cesspools
Leaving the rest to die from their trivial ways.
How much more time can be killed
How many more years can be wasted,
By this search for the answer and
This living breathing and growing march to death!
How can you just waste the light like you do?
Blind to the facts of the oncoming tornadoes
And resurrection of many a Satan I guess.
It is all about living, It is all about death and happiness.
Did you live a fun life?
Can you write novels and tell great triumphs?
Can you be happy to die?
I can not so far!!
Recklessly I speak of promise and potential.
I talk of lost goblets and hidden treasures.
Diamonds in the landscape but
Here is a seldom revealed thought...
It all does end!
My minds eye in the back of the savior.
It has seen the inevitable.
We are accepting the payment of passage to relinquish our faults today.
4 p.m. in Whitehall auditorium!
Set yourself up good for the next step.
No checks please, and no plastic!!
Absolution courtesy of Brad Deifer, Why not!!
I make apologizes!
I have no time for them!
In the time when no one really has the wings to fly
And no one has the radar of a bat...
We all just run into each other
Going to the same place (why not profit on the misfortune??)
Quality of travel!!
Same path, same destination.

~Brad Deifer ~

The Hall

Ghost-like impressions mirrored in the past
Drawn magnetically to the strip- mall super plaza of their suburbia wasteland!
Consciously choosing to follow the path,
laid before by the safety council
Only seeing vicariously their illicit dreams,
displaying clown face happiness in a supposedly celestine stream!
Expecting the expected and saving saving for what?
A better tomorrow, better than what?

The same ghost like impressions judging on contempt
Taking whats given and paying the rent!
Safety in numbers!
These ghosts and their friends are
lending a helping hand to relinquishing the elusive crown,
existing pseudo- euphorically, hiding the contagious frown
and completely recycling the generational gown!

These particular ghosts striving for something
Looking beyond the current status,
separating the match from the final game!
Just to win in the end, to beat the joker man!
When the match is over and the game is done
They will all at once realize the match was the game!

All these envious ghosts, of the care free jester
(not so care free I must add)
Gather at the liquor hall,
to ingest and discuss what they thought was clever.
They are all wise men in the matters of their heart,
lets hope they hadnt forgot the most important part!
Are they losing their hand to the manipulative sands of time?
Are they compromising their lives, forfeiting their prime?

-Brad Deifer

Kill your Idols

I live through you, my friend!
Only from your energy are the majestic sunsets real
and the snow-capped mountains alive.
Only you make life good!

I need to use you, my friend
From your immaculate perceptions my ideology comes through.
From your mind comes my actions.
From your soul comes my heart.

I need to kill you, my friend
With you in the game I can not evolve completely
You are causing me to stop the quest.
You make it easy to see.

I bid you farewell, my friend
Ill stick this rusty knife through your inspiring soul
Rip your body from limb to limb
With you gone I will search on my own.

-Brad Deifer-


But sir, a wind needs to move further
discover a newer abound,
constantly moving through the sky
Embarking on passageways yet undetermined
Lifting the mysterious shroud of the world and
perpetually seeing, changing, and moving.
Graciously unsettled!

And sir, a river is constantly flowing
searching for a new and bigger hole to fill
sinking in and around,
juxtaposing all the aspects,
flowing aimlessly over every rock let unturned.
Advancing constantly forward to lower the ground.
Sanctimoniously unsettled!

And sir, a bird sees fathomless beauty
Ingests all the rays of the sun,
all its angles and perspectives.
Creates art at the movement of thought!
Leaves at the craving for change,
soaring majestically above all!
Always ignoring ominous clouds.
Instinctively unsettled

The soul, my friends, my soul
has the same animal longing,
the same naturalistic urges!
A permanent inherent frown,
restless and eager to understand the madness,
to fulfill everything and be all to everyone!
An unrestrained soul gypsy in search of the enormous crown!
Happily unsettled!

-Brad Deifer-

Monday Night all over again

Go 2 yards on the Birds
with Murphy in Green Bay


slowly and instantly

meticulously as usual as always as before

the carnage of the desperate loser

in a desperate fight for excitement the chaser the vicious cycle

All aboard Ive learned my lesson

for the fifth time

+8 and a half over by the beginning

Hard earned green

Thrown into the fire by

the fate of the game the nature of the beast the lesson of the street

Ill drink through the burn

I must be a scumbag I yearn

to lose my mind my hope my time

to fight boredom.

Its only money!!

Its time to Change

Walls are upon me now!!
The time is upon us now.
We must go to the top of the world,
and throw the finger in the face of the establishment again!
Go crazy, lose control,
run naked in the streets and
drink till you lose your mind or your stomach!
Yell and scream, shoot heroin and sniff coke!
Loose control!
Liberate that part of your spirit,
extract the evil in one massive, exasperating attack.
Bounce off the walls, blow up elevators.
Tell your parents youre not coming back,
explain you do not like their society.
Too many rules!!
Explode and implode,
let nature take its course.
Break the window,
trash the expensive cars.
Put your foot through the T.V.
and run over the radio.
Burn the establishment
that stifles the experience!
Lose control!

Then find the road and set out
Whitmans vision,
become one with the inner and the outer.
Leave and absorb this natural worlds energy.
As you see what there is to see.
Live what there is to live.

-Brad Deifer-

Crack House

We finally left her there on our third visit!
The piercing screams of the vengeance in their mind scared us!
They were frighteningly loud and they spoke

They spoke of lost opportunity,
and uncontrollable anger.
They spoke of forgiveness and help.
They spoke of death and solitude.
They spoke of murder!
They were zombies of placid appeal,
They were dead so was she, sadly!

So we left her their the third time,
beaten by futility,
destroyed by a euphoric crave for relief.
Lost her to addiction.
We should have saved her!
Could we have saved her?
Fuck that We were so scared of her

We left her there to die in her own chosen death.
Poising her veins cooking her Clorox on an old Bunsen burner,
Smoking the ghost through a coke bottle pipe and
needling her own voo doo doll with the reused needles of the same old horse,
unconsciously killing her soul!
Relentlessly crying to lose control!
Erotic death, living death
in the dilapidated house that is her new home!

We left her there the third time!
Shouldnt we save her!

December 11th in Philadelphia

I guess Ill chase my dreams today.

What the hell!

Itll give me something to do for a few hours.

Nothing better than futility to kill the minutes.

To chase a dream is to defy destiny,

and it is too cold to defy destiny today

So Ill just read & write & drink from the bottle

for my piece of mind.

And save my dreams for a nicer day!

-Brad Deifer-

The Devil Among Us

One-eyed rapist, tornado of confusion,
stationed in your hometown.
Blow up sex doll on the porch,
of his white picketed pain den.
Naked and mentally abused
Scarred and scared of his own soul.
Oh how he loved to smell teenage panties for twenty years.
Loved to see little girls run,
loved to see little boys swim!
Sneak off with them into the shack,
and fulfill his dirty little fantasies.
How can they take his pleasure chest from him,
lock his fears in a steel cage for six months.
Till he is cured, his essence is now pure.
Guess what! I got news for you!
Cant rehab your soul,
the blueprint is always on the desk.
Now he is out; living amongst the innocent young.
No need to tell the community of the past.
Fair chance to start again,
or get another one!
Our government says he did his time.
Give him a room in your house then,
or a house on your block,
building in your complex!
If it is near my life
I want to know
if that type of aberration shows!

-Brad Deifer-

Just a Thought on Existence
from Brad Deifer

In your life you can only hope that the people are talking about you,
good or bad ; nasty or nice ; infuriating or flattering !
These actions mean you are existing unconditionally,
on your own terms foreign to them,
without the stress of impression.
This will only lead to complete Peace of Mind and the true inner you!

People think image is gospel,
I got news for you,
Its not the important collage,
it is a mirage in the sands of the desert!
What a person is truly about and sincerely feels rarely shines.
Camouflaged in the masquerade ball!
Covered by fictitious actions!

Life is a journey,
to be treated as an explorer would treat new virgin soil.
Each day and experience profoundly new and exciting!
The conquest of paths not seen or trails yet blazed.
Uncharted waters in the ocean of existence.
A new blooming flower on the banks of the landscape,
indescribably scenic and refreshing.

Without this exploration of the soul
as well as the world around you,
the collage is not done, the scenery is black & white.
Your existence is unfulfilled.
Potential not yet tapped
euphoria and bliss unattainable!
your soul is
an unfinished Van Gogh
the imperial beauty invisible
the hidden joys disguised or invisible!
An existence full of what ifs or I should haves, could haves and wanted tos!

You see!
Try to stay in time with the personal thought process,
Let no outside forces mis-guide your inner calling.
There are no bad premonitions or actions
just the brush hitting the canvas,
creating an immaculate collage of experience!
Conformity is restraining
inflicting cuts on the canvas,
walls around the soul!

Remember this is no proper way to exist!
That needs to be discovered from within,
and not relayed from other experiences
The grand party called life,
will natural yield chances to create your own picture!
Your art in time!
Your mark on the mountain!

Do not stifle these creations!
Without them you are not finished nor ever will be.
Full development is not achieved.
You are a copy of others.
A plagiarized life.
Just a thought!

One Hour Photo- Mat

I was in the Eckerd Drugs
getting my bad photos developed

(I never really liked pictures)

a gray haired gentleman
in front of me
with graying hair
and expanding paunch
glasses, and an
I love IBM T-shirt
faded from wear
sneakers no 18 year old in the world would wear
very thrifty looking

was in front of me
He was adult America
baby boomer conservative
and seemed relatively happy

the picture of

common sense

he buys his film,

two for the price of one mind low grade-shit film I guess
and receives his developed photos back from the young counter worker

Family beach vacation photos
Ill bet perhaps Myrtle Beach their fifth trip in five years

same shots every year
keepsakes of another boring vacation
of lackluster years
rarely viewed after the initial unveiling

He decides to pay by check

balance of 21.95 anything else sir
No thanks with a smile

He removes his IBM plaid check book and records his transaction
as he has done many times before
every time before

He writes his check out in neat
stylistic handwriting speaking as he does

twenty one dollars and Ninety five cents

Then the man turns to me

It is the fifth of August correct with a smile of content
small talk

Not it is the sixth, I reply

Damn He says probably never said fuck in his life
I lost a day somewhere in a jokingly, playful manner

How many days has he lost over his fifty some odd conservative years
What has my Kodak friend missed mangled up in his routine

destined to repeat day after day
vacation after vacation
photo after photo

Cycled by conformity
wasted in safety
artificial bliss in the safety of routine

days and pictures gone and ignores
absorbed by time
faded by time
passed looked at and ignored

I proceed to get my photos and toss them in the trash

they were photos of my Centennial Olympic Game experience
I do not need them to help relive vicariously

I will recreate everyday
the excitement

Photos will not be my freeze frame memory of a good time

I can not waste
and days on
memories of time well spent

Soul Haven

How did we all get here,
sipping our Jim Beam whiskey and ale?
These walls have camaraderie,
they hold a true passion for depression.
We all need a little depression.
It makes us each a martyr.

We all come here every day at noon
to have one more sip, another shot at temporary bliss
and tug at the cuffs of salvation and die a little too soon.
To masquerade our short-comings
and enhance our gifts.

Each man has his own reason for being
in this smokey pub, thinking and fleeing from
his heart- felt loses, the ever closing walls
the slamming doors and ever narrowing halls!

It is an infamous place where we all hang our souls.
Many honest, hard working men have spent time here, young and old!
Is it the shelter where problems have yet to tread,
their ghost-like impressions are always stopped at the coat check!

Is there purpose to find in this place?
Many great souls, their roots here can be traced
This is where you can unwind
and revel in the thoughtless and sublime.

But me, I just figure I have time to kill,
I grow older by the minute but here time always stands still.
So I come here at noon, to see Jack, Rick, and the crew
and even homeless Ned, whose money is all through

You see, Ned cant work, Viet Nam took his heart,
his brain fluently active while his life fell apart.
Waiting to die, living it out.
No chance left to reconcile, his dreams have been doused.

Ned has a philosophy to share,
We are all inheritably bad.
Hes sure of it, he sees it everyday
Nobody there, no help to be had.

Me, I disagree, everyone has goodness somewhere within
but social strains hit some hard on the chin.
Hell, maybe Neds right!
On the bottom is where we all reside,
so it is no coincidence that Neds soul and mine collide.
We all go down, sometime or another,
the difference is regrouping and coping with struggle.

Life for me is good, but problems arise,
many of which seem to be of the gigantic size.
But in this holy place,
Neds face gives me some grace
with his dirty overalls and dirt-ridden face.
Ahead is not where Ned is going,
just to the shelter for a warm meal and roof Its snowing!
he spends his donations on alcohol bliss,
this pressure release daily he can not miss

So I guess this is it,
where it all comes to pass,
where I figure out the solutions to this savage
world we go through, losing our souls in pursuit of the elusive golden crown.
But there is no answer, just questions
and no memories, just moments!

Another Way

Shaken up by this life,
Ripped apart by the nicotine
and an alcoholic knife.
Distorted thoughts come down
confused ideology spins me around.

Left my soul in the city
looking for something, lost and pretty
Can you find me the time?
Can you grant me my mind?
Will you leave if I stay?
Can I find another way?

Lost my mind in the circling wind
and the promise of tomorrow
Still, Ill never be King
I am at home within the sorrow

Never really can tell
if this is where the body rebels
leave on the light please
I think I can make it home tonight, you see
can I come inside
will you make my lives collide

Left my soul in the city
looking for something, lost and pretty
Can you find me the time?
Can you grant me my mind?
Will you leave if I stay?
Can I find another way?

I hope you hold the combination,
of my heart, my soul and mind
with you I may be able
to make it through resistant time.

Hiding inside,
a catacomb of lies
Ill see you at the end
and we will no longer have to pretend
with sun shining bright, we will drift on through
Love will be found upon finally (or should it be final) review

tell me the truth
are there many like you
can you stand my head games
will your strength remain
can I trust in you
will you remain true
will I please you in the end
or will you leave me when
my ranting begins
and I will not let you in
please stay on through
well parachute from the moon,
drink all the best booze
the sun finally will show through
and continue as one
as time finally becomes fun
I know Ill always be pure
tell me, can you endure

Left my soul in the city
looking for something, lost and pretty
Can you find me the time?
Can you grant me my mind?
Will you leave if I stay?
Can I find another way?

Song Soothsayer

Land can fly by wasted eyes
While you live with phantasmal comrades

Connected not by chance
or a fleeting, farewell glance
The sands of time are churning
did I ever really have a chance.

Song for the old soothsayers
the ones who answered for dimes
Song for the new truth sayer
still at the bar at closing time

Sadly time will pass
without the golden crown
My dreams stay imaginations
Hopes to the sea and drown

Maybe a twist can jar
my poor and tattered mind
Maybe the sun will glimmer
and the new world will be kind


Lost days of carefree rambling
burned to adult ash
Emotionally were left scrambling
Just sitting amongst our crash

The world has lost its vibrance
Bright greens are turned to black
The asphalt has an eerie silence
as we approach the final dash


I only keep on running
time will set you free
Observe the changing landscape
and the beauty behind the tree

Ask all the soothsayers
for the anwers to these times
Find them in the bar rooms
Theyll give you peace of mind

Neon Cells

Still cant look in the mirror
it exaggerates my every flaw
Still cant find the doors
while my mind keeps fighting wars

Lost the circling winds
and the sunshine of tomorrow
Still cant be king
Im at home within the sorrow

Today, just like the last
the hope is fighting past
the smoke filled rooms of decadence
I now see this lifes contrasts
Come join us for the drinks
in our tiny neon cells
Come indulge in existence
While we fight through a living hell!

Vices and breathless crimes
and a scared and scattered mind
Railways and the jetports
we run on borrowed time

We see the lighted tunnel
the lighthouse on the shore
a shocking revelation
when were still miles from the shore


Last I looked above me
To the great wide open space
I decided that I want to
mark my present place

knowing that it will always
be my final chase and
be a conscious observer
of my inevitable fall from grace

Miss Me

We spend our days subtly.
Hiding our insanities!

Building up brick walls between
Our many personalities!

Hiding the very core
That makes this world pure.

Leaving everything to chance
Leaving it up to a fleeting glance.

Rewards are in the feeling
The interchange will make us whole.

Rewards are in the moments
Each contributing to our soul.

Find me in your arms
It is where I can still just be

Invite me to your charm
It is the place I can truly see

When will it all end
This thing called time and space

Will it ever really end?
Leave us each without a trace

But you, you keep me grounded
In this moment where we are

You can keep me standing
Through the darkest of the wars

If I knew it ended tomorrow,
Tell me would you want to kiss me?

If it all just came to sorrow
Would you really ever miss me?


My dreams dont travel with me from day to day anymore.
Just sporadic hopes, like a star they twinkle and fade.
Coldly exposing a soul in self inflicted decay,
holding on to the good thoughts of the better days.

Almost daily potential is being destroyed
by pleasant habits I no longer enjoy.
Can I ever really tell if I am right?
Can I ever really lose this urge to give up the fight?
On these never ending days when the sun only cause (causes?) me delays,
This moon can give me time, prolong our impending decline.
As I reach out empty for my promised prime
Really only hoping to find my peace of mind!

My dreams dont travel with me from day to day anymore.
Just sporadic hopes, like a start they twinkle and fade.
Coldly exposing a soul in self inflicted decay,
Holding on to the good thoughts of the better days.

What was present then, that is not present now.
All my fading dreams seem to be crushed by the soul of this clown.
An actor in the gallery, playing all the parts.
I see the movie as its filmed, I edit all its parts.

Life, like a river, rolls in,
sure as hell aint no difference, saint or sin.
Do what you got to do
who gives a fuck about who is who.
Look where we all reside.
We reside inside hate, fear and false ride
and maintain that this is where our fun resides.

My dreams dont travel with me from day to day

This is where its at yeah
These fat cats with their dirty rats
Telling us to status quo
Status quo, not here, not that low.

This need to follow through,
and accept your chosen path as true
leads to brighter days, my friend
It will lead you smiling all the way to the end.

Can you see it in a neon sign?
This feeling we search for so divine.
Stare at the bright star,
maybe its the liquor bottle on the seat of your car!

Still cold exposing a soul in decay,
and running towards a better day.

Letting it all go when we spend our days
behind the veil of societal standards.
Hiding out in the back alleys and apartments of our livesnever to be found
Mutually helping to end days of doubt, and find the feeling so long sought after.
Exciting and intelligent we have come to this pass.
Lord only knows where it leads to from here,
but as we go all my fear disappears.

Can we hide forever?
We must Too much of my soul on the other end.
Can we stay together?
We must Too much you in me and me in you.
Fleeting moments and running clocks lead us to the next day
Can you stay in my life this way?

Smiles, smirks, good conversation, alcohol and laughter.
Behind the backs of those we still care about.
We will always care about,
Keeping it rounded and under control
while wondering how love really works.
Leaving us to our own resolve, on our own stolen time
and growing secretly closer in both our minds.

Lost Soul Confessions Through the Eyes of a Layman

False face debutantes
with their wine glasses always flaunt
their unnecessary stories of greater glory.
Spoken in superficial tongues,
to be understood by their factious throngs
Meanings irrelevant, they feel

People and friends the difference is quite immense.
Truly love by one your world can commence
Beautiful orchards and changing tree colors,
a thirst for life, true peace discovered.
Ever wish things were different?
Time reverted back to the way it use to be.
Simple Lies through Simple eyes.
Problems now surface, we must confide
in our own time and place,
our own selfish space and
leave with no trace.

Rolling rivers Sands of time.
Live full throttle Faster youll climb.
Happiness may wait in the family estate but
loneliness and boredom the road it creates.

Window of pain Reflections of past joys.
Power in us soul of a little boy.
Keep strong survive and continue to strive.
At least very least youre still alive!


A sweetly majestic waterfall,
constant and pure,
falling over untouched rocks.

Alone in its basin of crystal clear water.
Mesmerizing sounds of water to water
Listening Listening
steady, constant and alluring
Cool, crisp water,
untainted at our feet

Endless green trees with fall changing stalettos

The smell of the season
and the soft gentle wind.
Birds singing and leaves whistling
Bright sunshine reflections,
Why is it now we do not care?

Soft hands and gentle hearts.
Laughter and intrigue,
conversation and admiration

You and I quietly standing.
Safe, serene and happy very happy.

Alone and Free!

Strange Day in the Toilet
by: Brad Deifer

I was standing on the corner of 4th & South Street minding my own hallucination, when a man struts up to me in a light blue polyester leisure suit, with a pheasant collar and a god-awful pair of lime green winged tip shoes. He looked like he stepped out of an old Good Times episode! It was December 24, another cold Northeastern winter night. Too cold!

He was taking long, confidant strides towards me. He had a cocky swagger in the hitch of his walk. He had gold medallion around his neck. As he approached I recognized the Nike swoosh symbol from my basketball youth. His hands were covered with gold rings, and on his wrist was a beautiful diamond bracelet. I figured him to be a drug dealer, who else would wear all that money on their body with no fear of thievery. He seemed to illuminate the street, but upon looking closer it was more of a case of the rest of the street (world) getting dimmer as he approached. This phenomenon made his approach almost majestic, a sunrise over the ocean. Beautiful!

He was a very handsome man in appearance, tall (about six or seven inches taller than me, I stand six foot one inches head to toe) and happy. A very nonabrasive figure as he moved towards me. There was a real nether-worldly-ness about this brother, He had a very dark, almost Jamaican complexion and light eyes. Very light almost see through, albino-like eyes, Very eerie His hair was very short and tight. His stare could start fires He was on a mission, a quest and he was not going to be denied. Majestic The only thing amiss was the neo-seventies attire. I thought of American Bandstand episodes from the seventies, or a Blondie video or Rick James himself. Superfreak, shes a superfreak, some bad times for fashion and music!! I thought to myself WOW! This cats go it together (I never have used the term cat to describe an individual before. It did not sound strange in my head at the time.)

He approached me slowly, meticulously Gave me no impressions of trouble, which is odd because I would usually feel threatened if someone dressed this funky approached me. I was overcome with a totally relaxed feeling. The expected anxiety was diminished. I was safe and floating on the raft of the almighty! Indescribable feeling He had a sort of blue light, nothing very vibrant or striking, just an aura of light around him I connected to him and felt at ease. He gave me energy and consciousness.
Strange huh

The man stopped two feet short of me and protruded his neck out putting his face inches from mine. My space was invaded, I hate that but I didnt feel discomfort by this closeness, oneness. No spit flew from his mouth and into my face and he did not blink!

Whats up my man? He spoke almost yelling but not over accentuating his mouth (to some extent like an old Kung Fu movie!) I am Cheath A. Dos, I come from nowhere in particular and am going nowhere particular! he continued, and you are?
I am Lenny. puzzled.
Nice to meet you, Leonard my man, very nice to make your acquaintance! the stranger said.

Leonard, let me tell you about myself OK Cheath continued.
I am very interested in what this man has to say but I have no idea why. Who the fuck cares who he is and what he is about, but I cannot help myself. I need to hear this for some reason
I live for the moment and the moment is always here.
I love people, and people love me, all of them. A bog smile crosses his face and I discover he has no teeth, no bite. He takes out a cigarette, Camel I believe, and lights it. Offers me one. I respectfully decline. He has moved back and is leaning on the street pole. On the pole I see a flyer for a punk band Dead Mothers, Dead Friends. He looks at it as if he knew what I was looking at. I love that band, dont you. He says with a deep harrowing laugh that seemed to echo from building to building.
Dont you think I am enticing, and alluring Leonard. He continues smiling widely but not opening his mouth. A cheesy cat grin Arrogant fucker I thought but I had to agree with him. Captivating Something very unique was transpiring and I could not seem to figure it out. I am usually aloof to most details in life but with this fella I missed none.
I couldnt let him know I agreed with his self-assessment, but he could tell he had me somehow!
He knew things I wanted to know, he has done things I want to do, he lives the way I want to live I could just tell! All these assessments and feeling I received in a split second without any effort, as if through osmosis. Odd!

He spoke again this time very soft and confident, almost as if only I could hear him. We were connecting, transferring our energies and I was hanging on every movement and noise. He spoke:
You need to leave, my man, I can see that in you.
You Are not complete, No spirituality, My friend. He said almost in a gurgling voice different from the other voices I had heard. He was serious and I agreed. He continued:
Be gone, go see Alice and the pawn.
Enjoy what you deserve in the world, the good things, they are yours ripe for the taking!
Feel the euphoria of the snow and the burn of the nose,
the smell of a virgin girl before you penetrate her tight soul and embody yourself in her thoughts forever, Go get some fame Leonard! He spoke slowly and articulately. Very clear and concise as if a
rehearsed speech.
Enact some revenge on the people who hurt you, who held you down and said you are
a loser.
Go get em. Fuckin killem, he continued.
Drink some southern whiskey in the humid Mississippi night, gamble on the coast with two
beautiful whores that satisfy your most alienated fetishes.
Its all yours Leonard, for you, out there! as Cheath points to the sky and spins in a circle with his finger up (middle finger if I recall correctly). Still smiling or should I say smirking

He stopped spinning and looked at me. The stare of his albino-eyes pierced my soul! He was serious, he meant business. And he was a bad motherfucker. I was taken back by the look. Mustering up all my testosterone in my body and pride in my soul, I spoke, I wanted him to know I was bad too:
Fuck you. You asshole, Do I know you? Why are you even speaking to me?
Cheath replied, Not personally before now, but we have met before on many occasions. We are one in the same, common criminals you see, forever to devour good souls. You know what I mean but just cant recognize it yet. You will, Leonard. You will! He seemed pleased at my outburst. I think he likes my bravado

It is getting darker out and the street light comes on. Cheath still glows in the shadow of the night somehow. I start to get very confused by the scene. I shade my head fast, real fast if I can recall correctly, like a rattlers tail. I swivel my body back and forth to see if anyone else is listening to this brother. It is then I realize the magnitude of the strangeness. Nobody is around
Where did all the people go, South street is always crowded with freaks and brothers scoping chicks or fag drag queens in heat. And you know where there were tourists around. It was cold but they were there before. Even the stores looked closed. Lights were on but nobody there. Fuck, this is not real is it! Cheath answered my silent question
Oh this is real Leonard! there was an odor, a disgusting odor that permeates my brain like agent orange, I was developing a headache from it. Cheath is still standing there on the pole, cool cat!!. His razor sharp stare pierced my soul and made me feel nude and unprotected. Still no fear. Mostly admiration I felt comfortable there. Jack Frost was biting me in the ass but I was sweating profusely. I felt attracted to him but I am not gay. I am always confused. I have never been this confused! But satisfied

Mr. Dos suddenly breaks in some neo-jive rap to me
Young man, the plight of the common man is always a burden and loathsome. Always someone to answer to, looking over your shoulder, judging you.
He seemed to think about every word, yet talked fast, like a rap artist. Beautiful art
I have been all around the world and I see is (??). Its all the same brother, its all the same.
Everybody hurts. Its not cool Jack, but it is the truth.
A tear trickles down his cheek but his grin continues. As if he was happy to be sad!
This world you are an integral member of is a shithole! A fucked-up shithole. You see my man!
There is no changing it. There is no help for it. It is through its final progression. Regression.
Look at it! He finished in a nostalgic tone. A lost orchid yet he smiled
Picking up the newspaper blowing on the currents through the street, He smiles intently. Cheath extends his arm towards me showing the paper to me. Front page first the headline reads:

Two month old child found in garbage dumpster,
Still living, still breathing.
Police call him Jesus

Cheath throws the paper at me angrily and laughs.
Merry Fucking Christmas!! He continues smirking intently.
I say nothing. What is to say, what can I do. A shithole
He continues his tirade,
The police beat the people, the police beat the police.
Husbands kill wives with mental and physical abuse. You lost love my man, it is gone and not
respected. I do not know if it even exists anymore. Wives cut off manhood in sleep, crazy isnt it!
Who is happy anymore, tell me who? almost grabbing my shoulder and very angry but smiling
I am getting angry but no fear.
How should I know! I retorted and stepped towards him.
Are you happy Leonard?

No, not at all, I reply, Nothing good happens in life as a rule, Murphys law you know!
I am always expecting the worse, Anxiety kills my happiness, Hell no! I am not happy!!
I just cope and survive, isnt that what it is all about Cheath?
Cheath laughs and backs off me to the pole and leans
No it is not all about survival, it is about getting yours, your due and respect. Find your fun, It will end.
I do understand though, he continues. Believe me, my man, I understand!
(in hindsight I have no idea why I hadnt suckered him in the face. Anyone else who tries to tell me how to live or impose their view on me strongly usually will get some violent response. I didnt though I love him!!!)

Cheat continues
You know time is passing you by. The end is near, judgement day, ya know, it is no myth. I am on the board, I read the resume, or better yet help put them together. It is as real as the bone in your back. And it is coming, Leonard. Are you ready?
I doubt it! He yelled.
Nobody in this fucking place will pass. They fucked up before you and will fuck up after you.
You are the norm, the perfect human. Very upset now.
So enjoy what you can here, dont let the judge win, enjoy what you can while you can the outcome is already known, the ruling passed down before you had a chance to participate. You are a fated loser, Leonard!
Get out and have some fucking fun man, go get em, tear shit up, live!!!
He continued on about a hodge podge of topics
Cremations, premonitions, contemplations and masturbation. Murder, greed, sex and love
he hit all these with a strain of truth weaved into his dissertations. Objective and correct He had great points. His conviction was overwhelming. He was an eloquent speaker and had me captivated. Immaculate I was ready to live like Cheath, I wanted to win, I wanted to live!!

I rubbed my eyes for a few minutes and spun away from Cheath, sort a laughing sort a crying
totally confused. All of a sudden when my eyes refocused from the pressure of my nervous rub, he was back in front of me naked. Leisure suit gone, his limp dick hanging about a foot down and he was speaking in tongues or something.
Schewenk diiill forrgne mmmmrr mfffd fowwwwggoor feant naft tool tingle tess sett foeerr. or something like that. Very fast, completely unintelligible. Too fast for me to even tell if or what language it was. He was playing with his enormous cock, stroking slowly and methodically. Still chanting, still babbling. I was completely at a loss. Shock would best describe my feeling. Speechless and taking back but not offended or scared. In fact I never felt safer. Go figure a man jerking off in front of me and I felt safe. CONSCIOUSLY knew I should do something but his presence still had me connected to him and I enjoyed it. My natural instinct took over and I turned toward the wall. I felt like turning back but couldnt. I had a conflict of soul and mind.

All of a sudden, I heard a loud reverberating scream. It was both ears, stereo. A louder scream I never heard. It was almost more of a shriek. An evil ominous shriek. It sent chills up and down my spine. A cold fear was taking me over. I knew our connection was severed. Wicked Evil I spun around to see what had happened to my masturbating friend. I then witnessed a sight I will never forget. It was grotesquely beautiful. A horror picture could not duplicate the scene. I can not describe it effectively. Appalling

Cheat had a fucking knife through his groin, splitting his balls in two and right through his penis, completely through. I could see the cold steel point of the knife coming through his front as he faced me. The steel blade moved up his body at an even pace. No stopping at the big organs, no bones slowing its path. An impossible feat, I thought but it kept going up, moving through his whole body. As the point reached his chin he looks and smiles at me. He seems to like it, he feels no pain. Oddly enough there was no pain, no anger or fear in his eyes, just his smile and the initial scream. He was not hurt just disabled. He had a I just fucked your wife look in his eyes. He got away with something but he finally got caught. That is how I deciphered his look. There is no blood, none It was a clean cut, but no blood? Cheat falls to the ground but there is no thud he just settles nicely on the ground and lay there with his eyes opened and his smile beaming. Then nothing A complete silence, stillness of the winter after a big storm and I was cold very cold. His lips still moved in a speaking motion but nothing was being said, he was a helpless mute and I was the lip reader. The blade of steel was still in Cheath at his neck as I looked up to see who killed my friend, my savior, my idol. I was curious what kind of creature could take a life so maliciously.

Standing there behind Cheaths paralyzed body stands a beautiful woman looking directly at me, smiling like the sunshine. Pure fucking enjoyment, orgasmic if you will! I step back a few feet, scared for my life. After all a man I was beginning to know just got killed, murdered, slaughtered. I try to run but I cant, I am detained to die by the hands of this ruthless bitch. Then I look again through clear eyes. This woman is absolutely the most elegant thing I have ever seen. Pure beauty Sexual and enticing The first sight of land after sailing your whole earthly life the sun after a deadly storm the whiskey at the end of the bar after the worst day of you life Amazing!!! She was completely naked and not a drop of blood anywhere on the scene. Strange Celestine, Immaculate and Alluring. I am taken in by the sensuality of the woman. She was alabaster white down to her vagina and charcoal black from there to her electrifying feet. She had blonde pubic hair around her black vagina. She had long, jet-black hair the seemed to reach all the way down to her feet. She had a young looking face, maybe 17 or 18 and the body of a 28 or 29 year old woman. She exuded sex her dark lower half and smooth black legs I could not take my eyes off of. The single most alluring woman I had ever seen. A true goddess, a statue in the house of Dionysus. Sex... Her breasts were perfectly round and medium sized. Perfect I thought They were tight and had nipples on them as big as silver dollars. Succulent, arousing, red and hard! I found myself drawing nearer although I was not moving. She had hair under her arms and no finger nails or toenails. As utterly appalling that seems to me now I found it a complete turn on! Natural Her long jet-black hair seemed to be blowing to and fro in a sort of breeze. (though I could not feel any breeze what so ever) A naked, beautiful murderess, I thought. She had impeccable elegance and virgin pure innocence Still no fear...just intrigue and a sense of belonging Love She had the look and the facial expression of a young girl... all the emotions in one innocent and curious excited and happy, but the body of a beautiful woman sexy and in control alluring and completely kinky. She had control she was running the show she illuminated with sexuality and innocence at the same time? A virgin whore if you will!

She reached down and took the knife out of Cheath and ran it up her leg, over her breasts and up to her mouth, she wore no make-up no need! She licked the blade and stuck it in her mouth I still felt no fear She was bliss she was a school boy fantasy I was child-like in her presence I felt my penis getting erect. She smiled and looked down she knew she had me now. She had control of both heads! She approached me and grabbed my cock through my pants (Although I swear I felt her soft hands on the skin of my hard cock) She talked...

So this is how I get your attention, this is what it takes for you to hear my words sex and fun and orgasms is that it?
Is that how to save you from hell from destruction from death?
You of little faith and self esteem you are weak, feeble soft, even when you are hard!
Is this all I am to you? she yelled in disgust still holding my penis.
A hand in the groin to get your attention,
What have I done here, where is all the conviction, I need to get it back conviction and judgement lost at the end of a rod!
A tear falls from her right eye she is genuine she is caring and feeling she is a saint.
So selfish, so trivial pleasure before salvation.
This is not good, I have a lot of work to do!

She has me captivated. I cannot look away. Elegantly in shackles with no steel. She slowly rubs my penis and removes my pants. Complete bliss in the face of a murderer powerful thing this sex is! I have never felt so good so alive so clean in the face of decadence. She was filling me with energy transferring hers to mine... I am uplifted and happy not a problem in the world. I am overcome with sanctimonious grandeur. Truly immaculate!

She saysI am Senippah you love me I know!
I killed your friend He is not your friend.
I look out for you sorrowful man so naïve and misled.
He is of the forked tongue and mind a drainer of souls you love him too I know!
He is negativity and arrogance he breeds in you every day I can only fight him so long Can you help me
He is wife beating and indulgence money and destruction He feeds off your feeble mind
stifles growth and belief
He is sin I will make you feel good about the world through my touch and healing
She goes down with her beautiful mouth Euphoria my penis is erect and unusually big
She had me in her mouth but I can still hear her talking clear as siren
In life, she says, the only negative seen is negative sought, self discovery not self projection will lead to a higher conscious. I will see you through I love you.
At this point I feel like I am about to cum I do not feel like I am turned on I feel secure enlightened. Happy and pure through an impure act nasty redemption
She stands up and inserts my penis into her black vagina It is a beautiful place warm and wet
I close my eyes and cum quickly I must have filled her because I have never cum in that quantity before gallons full I guess Ten minute orgasm amazing

I then opened my eyes and see nothing my lovely child disappeared suddenly a huge flash of light hurts my sight I squint I see my sink and shower. I am face down in a mirror of coke and naked in my own bathroom I have a needle in my arm and a splitting headache. I remove the needle and look around. There is cum all over the bathroom rug. I freaked out about the experience which I remember as clear as day no narcotic haze at all It was my best trip yet. I laugh out loud at the craziness of it all.

I put on my clothes and reflect on the immaculate rendezvous. I think Ill stop using narcotics today. It is odd how my best narco experience not the nightmare trips of the past make me want to quit. As I leave the room, I look back at the old mirror on the toilet. My little white angel is on the reflecting glass. I look again and the face of my multicolored angel appears in the mirror for a brief second and the cocaine crystals spell out...