Zachary and Elijah if I m gone

JULY 3rd, 1 to 4 AM 38 years old and counting........writing and rambling for Z and E



You don’t succeed by giving up, that’s one thing I know

I’m sorry if I acted l a dick, it didn’t mean I didn’t care

I’ve been chasing dreams in magazines the last ten years

It can’t feel all that good to be so angry, I guess I’m learning that too

There’s a movie about all of us and its waiting to begin,






“Forest For The Trees”

It seems everyday, it’s just past us by
With a “Where am I at?” and a shallow good bye
Is the sail full mast, are we just looking back
Sometimes it’s hard to keep what’s important on track.

In the end I see, the corny saying “Forest For The Trees”
The trees cloud vision; you forget to just “see”
Directions, expectations, and “Where Should We Be”
All that coming at you between the trees.


But me, you see, I truly believe
The more trees encountered, the less to be bereaved
Needs, and emotions, life, love and devotion
In the end are what make a unique life’s potion


Looking back between branches, and forward between leaves,
May actually be what makes me believe
I am blessed and amazed, by the woman’s with me
And the boys Z&E on the journey with me

Right beside me in the forest, and running into the same trees
Missing the same Forest, and killing the same fleas

Zachary and Elijah, my wife, Mom and Dad
Friends and family, who cares where’s the path
Maybe that’s the answer, the answer at last
To the corny little saying, and the over analyzed past

So here is where it goes, and it’s shitty at best,
But the trees make dark forests, those we take for granted make the nest
When light breaks the forest, look at the leaves
Thos are the things that make even the trees believe

So one more stanza on this literary debacle
And one more time, to clear, focus and hit the throttle
The leaves are the moments, at times the path takes chances
But the parties you journey with helps avoid the branches

Its been long since I ve seen my lifes forest for trees
At times I truly feel, I should be down on my knees
For these trees, and that forest, I honestly believe
WILL make me miss all the beautiful leaves

As the last few years went by, I felt a slow retreat
It’s not the destination but the journey I seek



Shelly, Zachary, Elijah, Mom, Dad , Missi and all

• This is for me to remind me, to see, don’t miss the good things
• The incredible woman beside me, even with the seemingly unending string of mistakes and bad luck
• The beautiful children that are growing up way to fast, (I can at times realize to not miss it)
• the parents that amazingly have my back, and the love showered on my children by them,

Also
• To ignore frustration, that creates me to miss the moment and make bad choices
• The tempo of life I create, that slows me too a halt,
• my unattainable personal goals, can not be what keeps me seeing all of this


This is for me to,
• Put all of them first
• to stay in the moment, so as to not make it all a past ( I can barely remember my feelings most of the time as I mentally always try to be cool and move on)
• Hoping that one day you can make all the dreams in this cluttered head come true
• Everything I do, bad, good and untrue, are done with no malicious intent
• Too LOVE the ones that show unconditional love to me, and
• To make sure that they understand that everything that is giving, is appreciated
• To make sure I understand that I am blessed with family, and amazing children
• To make clear in my head that I have the greatest woman in the world that stands beside me
• To move forward making better, smarter, more thought out decisions


And just as important as anything said
• To enjoy the ride, you only get to take it once, and I am fortunate enough to see right now that it goes fast, but at least I am still in it, and I have a chance to make it last
• To start know that inside me, is good and its deep,its cool, and confidant, as well as scared and insecure
And its time

• To start another shitty cliché, “It’s not the destination, but the journey that pays!!!!!!!!!



July 3rd 2008 2 AM, first Time I wrote a thing since 2003


Make sure that the boys are taught how to be good to people and make sure they grow into great men, I have very few memories it seems from the past, but the ones I have come from Sports, Music, Friends and Books. Being cool, as I know they will growing up, it is important to make sure that they are always good to EVERYONE, I did stand up and was friends with”uncool” people in my younger years and it is important to treat everyone the same

Don’t chew ever, I need to and can not quite, stay away from stuff, if you are like me you have an addictive personality, so no drugs, gambling or tobacco.............

Think often and always, don’t get trapped by ANYTHING, internal or external, I have been trapped by both, and it is hell. Money and chasing it, is a HUGE Trap in America today, because YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT , but don’t let money dictate what makes you happy, excited, etc. but always take care of what you have to...........because you get outside your means you get stuck, so stay away from credit.....

Have lots of friends, and be able to converse with anyone on any subject in some intelligent level
SPORTS and Music are important
Live strong and confidant, even when your not, this world will give you a ton of shit, but deal with it and grow with it, fix the issue and put it behind you

AND the number one thing to get across to my children, to think about every moment is

“MAKE GOOD DECESIONS”, not based on what is expected but based on what is in your heart, you will both have great hearts, I do, I just waste it sometimes...........

Always tell the truth; always love unconditionally those that love you
Make sure that when something is given, be it help in a situation, or a gift, or just love that the giver knows it was appreciated, I ALWAYS appreciate things, but I do not show it well, as I feel that I am going to eventual be able to make everyone happy, see I know that I would be the greatest RICH guy in the world, as in my head I have always wanted to get to a position to help everyone out, and make their life better, and in fact, I have at times been able to, but I helped the wrong folks,

Learn to find interest in everything, and make sure you......................................

FIND A PASSION IN LIFE, it is what will keep you going getting old (I lost or never had one try passion,

I should have.....ah hell lets make this list of regrets to this point, most of these my personality would not allow me to accomplish, don’t let yours keep you from things
1. practiced harder in sports,
2. or definitely learned how to play the guitar and write songs,
3. write a novel and poetry,
4. gone into coaching or anything with a full head of steam (passion for it helps this)
5. Help create something that was never there before, like art, or a business..........

This is one thing that I always and still strive to do so we will make it capital and bold

CREATE SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT THERE BEFORE ME AND WOULD NOT HAVE EXISTED WITHOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avoid one big mistake I make. Well two

Always finish, and don’t just give in, and wait for another day to make that call or deal with an issue, this is important, face everything head on, I would be in a very different position as I write this if in fact I had taken my own advice.......

How much of a person and personality is genetic, I say NONE......you just need to be aware of the right way to do things and do them that way.....and do not allow or stand for anything else.

I have

• Started a business that made a few people some money and did millions in business with major partners like MTV, Radio Shack, and Dupont from scratch, raised over a million in funds, all to have it fall apart, and completely take me to my lowest level

• Started a Recorded label and released all great records

• Manage bands, and work in music, with my knowledge of it, but again brought be down

• Wrote a lot but never finished,

Do not live and be constrained by what is told to you as normal, or necessary, live by your heart and gut for a while and go after things.........that being said

Unconventional is good way to live when you can, take chances and go for it, because eventually you will feel like me, and feel the pressure the bottom creates as you do this, and internalize and rationalize things it does to the ones you love (i.e. This next one is the one) have to move onto more stable environments as to not hurt the ones you love, but NEVER GIVE UP ON IT, whatever it may be you are chasing............

Explore Religion closely and decide what you believe for yourself..........

Watch movies, read all kinds of books weekly, go through school an finish even if it seems worthless because you don’t want to be behind ANYONE on ANYTHING, another thing I fucked up.....smart is sometimes worthless, if you get chased by life to confirm...

DON’T GET LAZY OR OLD MENTALLY and watch GREAT movies, might make a list later



So here we are

Closing time, last call for booze (just don’t drive, and never start with tobacco and last chance to hear the songs that move you to writing, or toughness, or love, etc..........


When sad listen to great singer songwriters, I am listening to one right now, it may not, in fact probably won’t be anyone in the Best Buy bins or on the radio, listen to and try t get

Uncle Tupelo, Son Volt, Counting Crows, and any singer/songwriter that can make you feel
Rock with bands that have something to say, do not let anyone tell you, especially radio or the marketing machine what is good, what is good is what makes you feel and what you can relate to.....

Hopefully everyone I love knows it, and even though I don’t show it well sometimes, I want to be there for anyone that has been there for me, I am just trying to figure out how to get into that position

One Thing is for sure, I LOVE my Children, and wife........and my life is where it should be, I am just trying to live and learn better, and make it happen

MAKE MIRACULOUS THINGS HAPPEN, because no one else will..........

Moe comes with his three kids to an ice skating rink in upstate NY, his friends are single and confused, but Moe has the whole thing, family and kids at 30, etc in a small town, he is the big brawny nice guy that has the conventional life all together

(Points to Mo on Ice Skating Ring with kids as the narrator stumbles hung over out of an ice fishing cabin)
“Is that Mo?...........
Fucking Mo has got it wired...........
He’s like a retarded person that doesn’t know it.........
He doesn’t desire new experiences, new woman, nothing.....
Look at him
He’s like the mental patient that doesn’t know he’s mental.....................
SO HE’S PERFECTLY CONTENT...................

I gotta go take a piss...............”

Great Movie – Beautiful Girls (1995)


Song lyric, Stephen Kellogg’s “4th of July”

Got in a van and headed up to Boston
Thought about my friends and how easily I lost ‘em
I’d do it all again, I’d leave everyone exhausted
Some folks get a break, me I never got one
I thought of you, at night when I’ddrink too much
If you thought about me to, hell you never tried to get in touch
Went back to school and I ran into some guys I knew,
we started up this band but we never seemed to get it through.
We got some gigs, eventually we lost them to
Did You Ever Think That If Your Not Happy its Because of You

This , this is my life
on the 4th of July,
It isn’t much
but at least its mine.......

I got a job, selling ads for magazines
At night when I would play I would think about her constantly
Everything I loved somehow got away from me
Suicide......... I talked about it openly
I finally quit, or maybe I got fired I don’t know
Doesn’t matter as long as it happened though
Added up the fears and the doubts I’ve been liven with
Songs and love and girls and school and all that shit

This , this is my life
on the 4th of July,
It isn’t much
but at least its mine.......

I lost a girl some time, and a couple friends
Small talking parties, I never could stomach them
I m old enough not to say I remember when but
I don’t have the time for your nostalgia or your criticisms
You live and learn,
Well I’ve learned to let go of
Parents and bosses and people that don’t want you to grow
I Think that anything you want to, you can do
And no ones gonna tell me just who the hell I should sing to

This , this is my life
on the 4th of July,
It isn’t much
but at least its mine.......

Oh Yeah, no old presidents, no politics of religion, hate or based in money and lobbyists, speration of church and state, and vote on issues that matter, not decesive moral issues, like abortion, etc.

Save the Planet everyday, because by the time this is read by my sons , we may not have one.
Don’t let the government ( if we still have one by the time this gets read) with the planet, and lets gays marry, who does it bother, its their right. Don’t invade countries, and DON’T let our presidents LIE.
Not that you can make a difference, but that thought is why the country is hwere it is at on gasoline ($4 a gallon), still at war, and the planet is almost dead, but we politic around abortion, religion, gay marriage rights, etc...............Education is dying, along with the middle class in the US.......on that note..TRAVEL , I did some and plan to do more with your mom, check back for later rants to see if that happens,,,

I hope to make somethings happen in music soon, or take a corporate job to make life on your mom and you kids better.......let’s see what happens shall we........

Google L

• Brad Deifer
• Evolution Technologies Inc
• Evo-Recordings, along with Revery, Karate High School, Patty Hurst Shifter, Madside, see if you can find any of those
• Managing a band called The T’s

Read Douglas Coupland, he hits it in the head for me.............

All so make sure you look into “Into the Wild”, book and movie


The world is too fast now in 2008, I think it has to go backwards, I really do

Yearning for strangely enough, Whitehall, home.....and those old friends, going in a few weeks,

Thanks for reading


Brad Deifer
Ramblings for Zachary Dylan and Elijah Cole
Ending July 4th, 2008 @ 330 AM